Reflections on our 36th Anniversary

One of the real blessings in serving here at St. Francis Inn is that there are regularly groups of college students who come to volunteer. I truly like meeting the young people and basking in the glow of their idealism and enthusiasm. Last week, we had a group from a small Catholic school near Buffalo, and I did donation pickups with a sophomore named Amy.

As we were driving around Philly, we got to talking about relationships. Amy is in her first serious relationship with a young man and after only a month or so, she and her boyfriend are talking "love and marriage". I cautioned her to go slowly, pointing out that marriage is supposed to be forever. I told her that my wife and I would be celebrating our 36th anniversary on January 5th. Amy told me how wonderful that was and asked "How did you get together? What was it about Thea that first attracted you, and why do you think your marriage has lasted when so many others have not?"

As we drove along, I tried to put myself back into the mindset of a young man. I was 23 when I met Thea. It really seemed like a very long time ago: I have been married to Thea much longer than I was single. It was hard for me to even remember what it was like NOT being married to Thea. I was silent, but Amy was persistent: after a few seconds with no response from me she asked again: "How did you meet; what was it that attracted you?"

I replied that what really attracted me to Thea was that she was interested in some of the same things that I was. We met in a tutoring program that FSU ran for disadvantaged children in Quincy, Florida. I was the driver of the car that took the group to the tutoring sessions, and Thea was one of the passengers. I noticed that this nice looking, young coed kept catching my eye in the rearview mirror and smiling at me. I asked her out, and she seemed interested in everything about me. She turned out to be sophomore (the very same age as Amy!), majoring in biology. We dated for a few months, and I left for the University of Hawaii to further my studies. Apart from each other, Thea's love for me grew stronger, while I began to get cold feet. We broke up; and then got back together, but I still was not certain that Thea would be my wife.

Shortly thereafter, my father and I had the opportunity to drive across the U.S. together as he and my mom moved from California to their retirement home in Tennessee. During the drive, Dad and I spent a lot of time talking about Thea. I told him that I just wasn't sure. Dad advised me to make a list of Thea's attributes, both plus and minus, and to see which list was longer and more important. Amy interrupted me at this point to ask, "So, what did you put on the list?" I replied that on the negative side, I listed things like: "Thea is bossy; and she is a blunt/to the point person; and "She is not a blond!"

On the positive side of the ledger, I wrote: "She is very smart; she loves me and will be true to me; she is organized; she is a Christian; we share common interests; and she is dependable. There probably were some other items as well, but those are the ones that I remember. Amy went on to ask several other questions: "What did you talk about when you were beginning to date?" I told her that Thea and I talked about serious subjects almost immediately. On our second date I shared some pretty deep, negative feelings that I harbored at the time, and Thea accepted them without question. That really impressed me.

Amy asked me what I thought had held us together after we got married. In particular she asked if Thea had changed her "bad habits" such as being bossy and blunt? I laughed out loud and quickly said that Thea was almost exactly the same person now as she had been back then. I also was the same moody, introspective person as I had been at the beginning of our relationship. I told Amy in no uncertain terms that Thea and I had not changed each other much. We both had compromised some over the years and the rough edges were smoother, but we were still the same people as before.

So, Amy persisted, what held you together?" I thought about it, and the answer was surprisingly simple. I told her that, once we married, Thea and I both were committed for life...for richer and poorer....better or worse. Through the years we both made each other mad, both were irritating, and both were "stinkers" at times, but divorce was never an option. I also told Amy that we had Christ at the center of our marriage. When Thea and I could not talk to each other, we could both talk to God and HE would be the conduit for the information. I told Amy that we were honest with each other, even when it hurt: we could, did, and do talk about all topics. Finally, I told Amy that Thea and I had a strong physical relationship which carried us through some of the rough patches.

By this time, Amy and I were back at the St. Francis Inn with our delivery. We unloaded the van, and she thanked me for the "advice". I wondered how much of it she will act on. You never know, but as I went on to lunch, it occurred to me that probably the most important thing that I passed on to Amy was simply the fact that I have been happily married to Thea for 36 years. That one fact demonstrates tangibly that lifelong commitment, faithfulness and happiness in marriage are all possible and are goals well worth working toward.

I wish Amy and her boyfriend luck and the Grace of Christ in their budding relationship. And I thank my lucky stars that I am not 19 again: living through being single once was enough!