Health, Science, and Grace

It is often said that God's grace is best received and appreciated when we are at our lowest ebb in life because it is precisely at these moments that we truly surrender and stop trying to do things by ourselves. Recently, I experienced this first hand.

Many of you already know some of my (Mark) recent health history, and I apologize in advance for repeating myself. In February, 2007, right before my 60th birthday, I was diagnosed with early stage prostate cancer. As a logical, scientific person, I, of course, put my faith and trust in my doctors and medical science. I also had a logical, scientific "ace in the hole" -- Thea -- who tirelessly researched every possible treatment option. I even had a second "ace in the hole" -- my sister in law Theresa who is a senior administrator at the Cancer Center and Emory University -- who also tireless explored all aspects of the situation. Within a month or so, Thea and I had decided on radiation as the best treatment option for me (less chance of bad side effects and still a high cure rate), and in May I had the procedure done. As a believer in science, I figured that was it: cancer cured. Looking back at it, there was also a spiritual side to the situation. Many of my friends prayed for me; Father Bob (our parish priest) anointed me before the procedure; and I even had a spiritual "ace in the hole" -- the Maryvale Sisters prayed daily for me. But, significantly, I really did not ask God directly to heal me or truly believe that the spiritual side of things was important: I placed my trust in science.

Ninety days after the procedure, I had my first follow-up appointment: my PSA (a chemical marker indicative of prostate cancer) was half of what it had been before the radiation treatment. My Urologist and I were pleased. However, three months later, the PSA had increased to 3.1, a little worrisome. Then in February, 2008, the bombshell hit: my PSA had skyrocketed to 8.5. I remember my feeling of panic as the Urologist told me the news and recommended an immediate biopsy to see if the cancer had returned. We did the biopsy in March and found no cancer in the prostate, leaving an even more ominous possibility: the cancer could have spread beyond the prostate! My panic increased. My Hickory Urologist referred me to Duke for advanced testing and evaluation. In the midst of all this, I remember feeling, besides the panic, a feeling of betrayal. I had done everything right according to the science of the situation. Thea and I had researched the treatments; we had gotten second opinions and third opinions; we had considered the numbers and probabilities; and here I was not cured. This was not fair!

In May, prior to going to Duke for an aggressive biopsy, I got another PSA (mostly because Thea insisted!), and to the surprise of everyone (except Thea), the PSA was only 3.5. Even so, we opted to go ahead with the Duke tests. In June, I underwent the procedures and a week later got the results: no cancer had been found. Unfortunately, there were several serious side effects of the tests. First, my prostate became infected, and I had to be hospitalized for five days. Then, I got a secondary infection which required six months of follow up doctor visits both in Hickory and here in Philadelphia. Finally, in January, I noticed some troubling urological symptoms. I was referred to a Urologist here for more tests and evaluation.

All the while, I had been denying my situation. Yes, I had been going to the doctors and doing the "science", but I had also been avoiding doing a PSA test to see if the cancer was increasing. The truth is that I was terrified of the possibilities. I reasoned that, even if the 8.5 reading the year before was somehow a mistake (Thea had always thought this), the other readings (2.7 to 3.1 to 3.5) indicated problems. As I did my daily duties here at the St. Francis Inn and ministered to our clients, a part of me was always thinking about that. It was like a "shadow self" always lurking. However, I never actually asked God to cure me. Rather, I asked that "His will be done for me", and this always left me feeling anxious. Suppose His will for me was an early death!


At my initial visit to the Urologist last month, I decided to finally confront the situation and asked that a PSA be done. As the date for the follow up appointment approached my anxiety slowly ratcheted up. For the first time, I prayed to the Lord: "If it be your will, please let my PSA be no higher than 3.5." It felt like a selfish prayer, and I did not really place much faith in it. Over many years, I have rarely prayed for anything personal, always for others or for general things like relief for earthquake victims. Last Thursday, I went into the Urologist's office to get the results. My heart was pounding as Dr. Harmon came in. He began:"All good news today. Your CAT scan was negative; the urinalysis was all normal; and there is absolutely no evidence of any tumors of the bladder or kidney." I held my breath as I asked the all-important question:"What was the PSA?" He flipped pages of the reports and quickly responded: "1.3. That's a really nice drop!" Indeed. Tears fill my eyes and emotion welled up in my chest as I struggled to process this. I could not believe it: I thought that, at best, the PSA would be 3.5 and probably more like 5. Even right now as I write this, I get teary.

Now, as I look back from a week's perspective, I am struck by the irony of it all. I had trusted all along in the science, but the data and numbers led me to a torturous treatment route... unnecessary biopsies and all kinds of tests, infections, hospitalization, anxiety, thousands of dollars spent, and emotional trauma. Those with stronger faith (Thea, Sister Mary Norman, and others) had always placed more trust in God than I, and guess what, they were right. Since last Thursday, I have offered up a lot of prayers of thanksgiving. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted.

I also feel a new trust in the power of prayer and in God's love for me. But mostly, I just feel thankful and ready to get out there and do God's work in the world. Praise the Lord.